Who is Raul? I am Raul.
Greetings, readers. The words that grace your screen were not typed by the fingers of that blonde hooligan, nor by any of those maniac one-wheelers. No, this has been generated, painstakingly, but deliberately, buy none other than I: Raul.
Raul the Magnificent. Raul, the Mighty.
Why do you stare so blankly ahead? You’ve read of my suffrage. Of my undignified manipulation through murderous lands and terrain. Landscapes and relics of the geography still line my flanks; were it not for rain, I would never be washed. My pores are like the potholes I am forced to plough through, and mud has cemented itself so solidly beneath me that I fear the necessity of pneumatic drills to remove it and restore me to my formal luster and sheen.
Why am I still a stranger to you? For fifteen days you have followed my chronicles! You and I should be as old friends by now!
Unless I am only memorable to you as referenced by my stupid sobriquet, courtesy of that lummox land-pilot, and I am loathed to respond to it.
Why are you so surprised that the PeopleWagon should learn to type and post things on the internet? And why must Raul the Majestic be subject to clinging onto a made-up, milksop moniker to make himself known to his friends?
The Purple PeopleWagon.
Oh, that name.
I’d spit, if I could.
But I can only dribble industrial fluids if my seals are not clamped on firmly.
That I could manipulate the alphabet on a keyboard of a human computer with my wheels, caked in mud and whatever detritus I am forced to drive through (I shudder to think what else lines the crevices of my tires), is testament to my genius and multitude of talents.
I am Raul.
As an individual, I am driven. Literally and metaphorically, for I reveal that I have a dream: to drive (literally) off into the sunset, with somebody who truly understands and respects the needs and skills of this purple beast of many talents at my mighty helm and command. A pilot who’d never be faulted for missing a signpost in the Eastern Cape and finding themselves commanding me around the precarious perches of a narrow road, snaking around the cliff of a mountain, on loose gravel concrete footing unfit for anything other than, say, a military vehicle or helicopter, perhaps. Nor would my dream pilot bequeath me a journey in a soupy road and see me spin my tires in the muck like a helpless tortoise, and have to resort to harvesting wet grass from the sides of the road to generate some pathetic substitute for traction on an otherwise wholly unsuitable road. As if these buffoons assume I am as adept to the terrain as a suitable aquatic African water-dwelling quadruped would be.
Which I am not.
I am Raul.
No, my pilot would not force me to groan and labour near-vertical ascents, nor suffer me the indignity of the cultural humiliation of an established, well-to-do urbanite such as I to traipse lands which yield nothing as simple as cellular communication reception.
And only recently, I was forced to endure the humiliation of being wed to a purple elephant in a pagan roadside ceremony by that lunatic “motorist” amidst moronic giggling. Now I have, amongst my manifold duties, a family to support. Thus, I am forced to conclude that my dreams of, dare I say it, love, are dreams of folly.
My tormentors underestimate me, drastically. They do not know that I cultivate ambition (and, dare I say, more culture than the four of them combined), and that I have the capacity to scheme. But I will leave you there. The walls, as they say, have ears.
Think of me in these next few days. My release is near, and soon, I will majestically coast the utopian tar roads I was born into.
Do not forget me.
I am Raoul.
We’re almost at the end of the road!
Guys, we’re going to arrive at the Mouille Point lighthouse at 12:00PM on Saturday, the 8th of January.
Holy cow, that’s NINE days away!
We’re almost home! All we still have to do is climb some mountains and figure out where we’re going in the next week because we don’t technically have our maps yet. But we’re pretty good and winging directions, lately.
But let’s talk about Mouille Point. We want to meet you!
It’s not a big party or anything. I mean, no music, or red tape, or stages, or cake dancers. Just Johnny, Alan and Donna arriving on unicycles and a teeny-weeny little Purple PeopleWagon behind them, s’all. But we’d love for you to be there.
We want to thank everybody for the support we’ve been shown, for the notes of encouragement, for the circulation. And we really appreciate everybody who’s followed us on Twitter, joined the Facebook group, left us a comment here and there – it keeps us going, and it gets the message out there: 2,000 pairs of shoes for 2,000 pairs of feet.
So, Saturday the 8th. Mouille Point Lighthouse. Come say hi! Come see Johnny’s ridiculous helmet, first-hand.
See you there!
8 Days Away!
Hello hello!
Guys, yesterday we went to Hell and back. Sorry – The Hell, and back. It’s in the Gamkaskloof part of our itinerary, and the history of this place, as we can patch together, is that it was the hiding place of five boer families who were on the run from the British. They arrived in what we now call The Hell, and stayed there for so long that when the little community was re-discovered, none of the original fleeing forefathers were left. Little place has a lot of “untold history”, as they say there. Hmmmm.
In any case, the Purple PeopleWagon is very, very thankful to be out of the valley of narrow roads, sheer drops, switchbacks, and banks of mist. The PeopleWagon HATES those.
Anyway we’re back and we’re awesome, and we’re so close to home. So close! And whoah, it’s Old Year’s Eve tonight… What are the odds we won’t shower until next year?
So, we know that our itinerary page is still a slight work-in-progress. The honest truth behind that is that we don’t, um, quite know how to get to our next stops yet. One day at a time, eh? But we’ll know soon. And when we know, you’ll know!
Also, you guys should totally come meet us when we arrive at Mouille Point on January 8, at noon. See if anybody cries and swears off unicycling forever, that sort of thing.
Our events page is HERE,
And you can RSVP on the FACEBOOK PAGE.
You guys are awesome! See you there!
Holy beans, it’s a new year!
Happy New Year!
Wow, did anyone try and write the date today? 01-01-2011. Well, at the time of posting this, it’ll probably be 02-01-2011, as we have no cell phone reception or anything where we are, so treat this as a letter from the past.
We have, at length, arrived in Anysberg Nature Reserve, after spending Old Year’s Eve at Rouxpos farm. Well, we bravely managed to stay up until around 9 before we excused ourselves and went to bed. So, thanks everyone else who stayed up and made sure the New Year turned up as it should’ve! Because if it were left up to us, we probably would’ve just woken up at 4:00AM to find 2011 and everything else, broken.
Well, what we’ve done with our New Year’s day instead is to execute damage-control. For the first time in a couple of days, Donna and I arrived at our rest point before Johnny and Alan, which was an immediate cause for concern – we’d arrived after two in the afternoon, a time of day where we’ve grown accustomed to finding Johnny and Alan lounging around scruffy and shirtless and listless, like feral cats. So, when we arrived at our, ah, rustic lodgings at Anyseberg Nature Reserve, we were lightly concerned at the absence of two yowling unicyclists.
I should backtrack and detail that it had unexpectedly rained heavily as we turned onto the dirt road towards the reserve (as seems to happen whenever we enter an area which boasts a dry, arid climate), and the effect was that the roads turned into little rivers. I ploughed through puddles swelling into rapids, as Donna inconspicuously clipped in her seatbelt and stared out the window, contentedly pretending she was somewhere else. So, we realized that there might’ve been some relevant reason for Johnny and Alan being delayed somewhat. We’ve also had no cell phone reception since we left Oudshoorn (where Donna and I were really puzzled as to why everything seemed to be closed at one in the afternoon, before we realized it was the 31st of December), so calling them to check up wasn’t even possible.
Donna and I had also been slightly delayed in leaving for the day, because we’ve been playing at being cartographic detectives. See, we’ve come as far as we are with around seventy A-4 contour-maps of South Africa, which compliment a series of instructional narratives supplied by the Freedom Challenge, and combined, these sources (sometimes) leads the user through the correct, established off-road route. Thing is, as of tomorrow, we’re kind of on our own. We’re veering off from the Freedom Challenge route and staying in different places in and around Matroosberg, Witsenberg, Tulbagh, Perdeberga and Blaauwberg, before hitting up Mouille Point this Saturday (by the way, you’re invited – we’ll be there at 12:00).
Okay, now, those places I just rattled off up there? Is as much as I or any of us know about where we’re traveling to or staying. I don’t know how far apart they are, or how to get there, or where in Matroosberg we’re supposed to go, because we don’t have maps or narratives for them yet. Well, we have these two screen caps of GoogleEarth images that have helpfully been emailed to us. Have you ever gone into one of those old garage bathrooms where you have to pay R2 to get in and then there’s a cleaning lady who hands you exactly three carefully-counted squares of toilet-paper?
What we do have, though, are a couple of DVDs with official raster maps of South Africa’s Chief Directorate’s National Geo-Spatial Information, which is a fancy way of saying we have a bunch of maps on discs. Unfortunately they are huge image files, and having Johnny and Alan unicycle about with a laptop dangling from one of their necks doesn’t seem to be an option, so Donna and I have had to extricate which of the 20 bazillion maps on these discs are relevant to our supposed routes, separate them into printable A-4 pages, and print them. I might add that we were sitting in Gerard and Ronel Roux’s living-room the entire time, who kindly let us use their printer and dining-room table as our geo-spatial base of operations while they cleaned and pottered around us.
After an exhaustive and frustrating morning’s work, we managed to leave at one o’clock in the afternoon with enough map coverage for… the next day’s navigation. Seriously, a full day ahead of the eight days we have left. We didn’t have the strength for any more after that. I mean, we’ll get to it. Once we figure out, you know, where it is that we’re meant to be headed, anyway.
Anyway, in the comfort of our new lodgings, Donna and I pulled out some chairs and sat on the porch until around 5:30 to drink coffee and tea and stare at some antelope grazing against the mountain backdrop, and started drawing ultimatums; if Johnny and Alan hadn’t arrived by 6, we’d have to start driving to rescue them. The rain had stopped, but the roads were still likely to have aspirations of rampaging rivers, and we didn’t want to get the PeopleWagon stuck in the dark again. We’ve already had a PeopleWagon slumber party. We’re over that, now.
Happily, Johnny and Alan arrived just as we were contemplating whether to begin our search party or get a second cup of coffee. I say “happily” for Donna and I, because it meant we didn’t have to drive anywhere and we could continue comfortable sitting where we were, because the truth is, Johnny and Alan didn’t look too happy at all. They’d covered 85 km, and had been riding since 5 in the morning – a long, 12-hour day. They’d been caught in the rain, of course, and had been significantly more intimate with the upstream journey on the road-cum-river. They’d also somehow been separated when Alan stopped to tie his shoelaces, and spent a considerable amount of time furiously cycling through a valley, trying to re-locate each other by blowing on their emergency whistles – which was made a difficult task from the valley’s echo. This resulted in the two of them riding in exactly the opposite direction whenever one of them heard the other across the valley; their eventual reunion is something that probably happened in a slow-motion unicycle collision across a grassy daisy meadow.
I jest.
It would’ve been full of acacias, really.
Interview at Tulbagh, where we melted into the furniture.
According to Johnny’s mum (hi Tes!), we are three sleeps away from arriving at Mouille Point. We’ve spent the day trying to stay out of the heat in Tulbagh, which is just close enough to Cape Town see a tiny speck of Table Mountain from the hills.
A woman fanning herself in a supermarket told us it’s 40°C today. We believe her. We had ambitions of re-visiting Moniki’s Chocolate factory and playing at being snap-happy tourists in the quaint and historical little streets of Tulbagh, but, you know what? Our guesthouse is air-conditioned. And Johnny and Alan are tired and are nursing injuries. Our achievements have pretty much been breakfast, a large number of phonecalls, emails sent via our cellphones, and a successful power-nap.
Amongst that, however, I got the team to stay awake and alert in the same room long enough for another casual interview. Seeing as we’re so close (oh man, so close) to the end of the tour, we decided that we ought to recap our highs and lows of the trip.
Let’s start with food! Where’s the best meal we’ve had so far?
DONNA: Masakala, without a doubt! Although Joyce’s chocolate pudding from Slaapkranz was amazing.
JOHNNY: For the most part, we’ve been fed a great assortment of food. We’ve been really well fed almost everywhere.
DONNA: Well, not everywhere.
JOHNNY: Haha, well, we’ve had some last-minute booking issues with people who found out about us a few hours before we arrived, so…
KIRBY: I loved the food at Moordenaarspoort! Danie’s wife, Regina, was really nervous because it was her first time making vegetarian food, and it was delicious. That tomato eggplant casserole was amazing. I hope she knows!
JOHNNY: That was a cool couple!
Okay, so what was the worst meal?
JOHNNY: Hahaha, Matroosberg for you, Kirby!
KIRBY: I felt so bad about that! The woman made me special vegetarian food but it was egg-fried rice with soy chicken. I really don’t like egg, or anything that tastes like meat! But she made such a special effort into making me a separate meal!
DONNA: Her breakfast pies were delicious though. What about that place where you didn’t even get a chance to tell the cook you were a vegetarian?
KIRBY: Rondawel! Haha, the woman walked in, talking the entire time, dished up a big lump of macaroni and mince for all of us, without a single chance for me to even let her know I couldn’t eat it. Well, at least she left us to eat alone and I could trade for the salad she’d made! The woman at Matroosberg sat down and watched us eat – she made sure!
JOHNNY: It was lovingly made though.
KIRBY: Her home-made bread was excellent.
Okay…Best showers?
DONNA: This one at Tulbagh’s quite good.
JOHNNY: That lodge!
DONNA: What lodge? I don’t think I was there…
JOHNNY: That hunting lodge we stayed at! In Kleinpoort…. It was a big, open shower with no curtain, and a massive showerhead with lovely warm water…
ALAN: Oh, that was a wonderful place to stay at. Luxurious.
KIRBY: My best shower experience was the outdoor thing at Indigo Skate Camp! It was just such a relief to end a horrible day with, hey, whaddya know, a hot shower… outdoors! And it was huge.
JOHNNY: Yes, it was a relief to have a shower, and it was a good outdoor novelty, but it’s definitely not my favourite one. (more…)





